July 2015 Critique Blog Hop

This query is a result of the contest, Query Kombat. Thank you to Michelle Hauck, SC Author, and Michael Anthony for hosting, and all the judges for their invaluable feedback. My entry was one of the 64 chosen by SC Author. Go Team Writer Bees! I was Baby Blues Ruse.

I made it into the contest, but got knocked out in the first round. For this, I am not sad. Gaining entry into the contest was beyond amazing--it was a victory. The feedback, and the new writing friends I made, is priceless. Those new friends provided feedback that helped reshape my query and ultimately the entire MS. The feedback did not come easily, though.

I had to step away from the feedback that came from the contest, come back a little later, and read with fresh eyes. I had to ask for the feedback from my fellow participants. That took a little stepping out of my comfort zone. No one was contacting me, saying, "Hey, can I give you feedback." I had to ask. I kept telling myself, "I've made it into this contest, and I'm not going to squander the opportunity!"

So this is the most recent version. I'm sure it's not perfect, but I love it. But I loved the other version, too. Just goes to show, I might need to update this someday! If you're interested in a before and after check this out: before.

Query:

In the year 2026, Anna races to deliver her baby before government agents can intercept her. Births during The Decision—humanity’s willing choice to not reproduce for ten years for Earth’s rejuvenation—result in sterilization, or worse, death. Anna’s baby is born as agents break down the door, yet Mikenna’s life is spared. Six years later, people are free to reproduce, but they don’t. The quality of life is high, and babies are a thing of the past. Selflessness, acceptance, and planning for a smooth ending are the wisdoms of the Post-Decision age. 

Mikenna disagrees. When she hears the president talk about there not being anymore babies, she imagines herself as the second Eve—until her eighth birthday party. There, Aunt Rebekah tells Mikenna she was sterilized at birth. From then on, Mikenna wakes up every morning wishing she wasn’t the last human ever born. As a teenager, Mikenna researches images of babies to see if they look like the ones in her dreams. She contemplates suicide so someone else can be the last. And as a young woman, Mikenna abstains from physical intimacy with her husband because of its emotional connection to her sterilization. 

Then, as the human race dwindles, and Mikenna begins to accept The Decision, she discovers Aunt Rebekah lied. The doctor who delivered Mikenna saved her from sterilization and death. With the Eve dream a sudden possibility, Mikenna must decide if fulfilling her own desire is worth subjecting a child to the emptying world.

 

THE CALLING OF ONE is adult Apocalyptic, complete at 88,000 words, that follows Mikenna’s life from birth to death in four parts.

First Page:

PART 1 

CHAPTER 1 

2026, Seven years into The Decision

7.52 billion people

 

Each leaden footstep Anna took through her unlit home brought her closer to the garage, closer to victory. At the end of the hallway she measured the distance to her next supporting wall and shuffled on. But a growing ache halted her at the dining room table. In desperation, she grasped the closest chair, breathing quick, rapid breaths. Her back shuddered, as if the Earth had just shifted across her spine, and it threatened to bring her body down in a crumbling mess. Her contracting muscles pulsed, hastening her baby toward an undeserved life.

 

“Oh, my precious little girl,” Anna whispered. “I’m sorry I got you into this. I’m sorry, Mikenna, but one day you’ll know . . . my heart was selfless.”

 

At the point of collapse, Anna gritted her teeth, and with a huff of determination, heaved herself up. She pushed off and continued on with trembling knees through her hiding place, her cage. Five steps more, and Anna turned toward the living room. Her husband stood to the side of the window, concealing himself in the darkness, holding the curtain back slightly with his pointer finger. A shaft of light from the afternoon sun snuck past and landed on the carpet, exposing a flurry of dust in the air.

 

“I’m ready,” Anna beckoned. “David . . . please?” She waited, her labored breathing filling the silence. She swayed on her toes. “I said I’m ready.”

 

David kept his eyes to the window, searching. “Where are They?” His voice trembled. “I know They know.”

 

Unable to wait any longer, Anna turned and continued to the car by herself. “They can’t know. Please, God, They can’t.”