the office
Plumbing Problems
INT. CAR VIEW-MORNING-DAY
1
Michael is driving. A happy,
smug look on his face. The sun is shining.
MICHAEL
I have
a feeling today’s going to be a good day. I don’t know, I just feel it, ya
know? It’s like my sick sense.
Michael
is waving "high" out the window at random people.
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
AREA-ENTRANCE DOOR-D1
Michael comes in, fast walk,
pale, sick face. He’s clutching his stomach, and his legs are clinched.
PAM
Is
everything okay, Michael?
MICHAEL
Shut
up Pam, please.
PAM
Wow,
so polite, Mich . . .
DWIGHT
(Interrupting)
Seriously,
Pam.
Pam looks at camera. Michael
rushes on to the bathroom. Dwight stands at door. Loud groaning is heard,
splashing toilet water.
DWIGHT
Let
it out, Michael. Just let it go.
Sighs of relief and groaning
can be heard throughout the office.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. MICHAEL’S
OFFICE-CLOSE-UP ON HIS FACE-D1
Michael’s face is a little
pale, with little remnants of sweat beads on his forehead. He has a little
smile of relief, but stomach is groaning. He’s holding up a bottle of Maalox 65
count.
MICHAEL
These things are the best. Mixed berry flavor.
When I was a kid, I’d eat these things all day. Better
than candy. "Candy is dandy.”(smiling) Half Baked, Dave Chappelle.
Michael takes four Maalox.
Camera pulls back. Dwight is standing behind in corner.
DWIGHT
Careful
how many of those things you take.
MICHAEL
Dwight,
I know what I’m doing.
DWIGHT
Let
me see those.
Dwight takes the bottle. He’s
carefully examining the label.
DWIGHT (CONT’D)
Warning,
do not take more than eight in twenty-four hour period. Warning, may cause constipation.
MICHAEL
Exactly,
Dwight. That is what I want to happen, gosh. Give me those.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Yea,
I’ve been constipated before. No big deal. Prune juice
and pinto beans. O’natural. Eight days later . . .
and pinto beans. O’natural. Eight days later . . .
He stares off thinking with a
painful face.
INT. MICHAEL’S
OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
MICHAEL
Oh
man.
He grimaces and lowers his
head.
DWIGHT
It’s
probably the swine flu, or the bird flu. It’s nasty, it starts with . . .
MICHAEL
(interrupting)
No!
Dwight!
DWIGHT
Well,
what’ve you eaten lately?
Michael thinks with hurt
face.
MICHAEL
(Struggling)
Last
night, I tried that new Mexican place, South of the Border. Bean burrito
special, side of refried beans, extra salsa. Please, leave me alone.
Dwight goes to door.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Dwight,
please don’t tell anyone. It’s humiliating.
DWIGHT
You
got it buddy.
INT. OFFICE-OUTSIDE
MICHAELS OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
Dwight is standing there
proud.
DWIGHT
Attention
everyone! Michael has severe and violent diarrhea. He is not to be disturbed.
Let’s continue doing what we do best, selling paper.
KEVIN
Why
don’t you sell Michael some toilet paper.
He snickers. Angela gives him
a dirty look.
STANLEY
Why
doesn’t he just go home?
Dwight shoots him a look like
“how dare you.” Doors are slamming, rustling coming from the back of office by
bathrooms. Oscar comes out.
OSCAR
The
men’s bathroom is overflowing.
Kelly comes running out.
KELLY
Ooooooo!
Yuk, yuk, yuk. Gross!
Michael comes to the door.
KELLY (CONT‘D)
There’s
water everywhere in the women’s bathroom.
KEVIN
Michael
clogged the toilet!
ANDY
(Proud of Michael)
Nice
goin’ boss. Booyah.
MEREDITH
Michael
broke the plumbing?
Michael
is standing half way in the door of his office, half smiling in humiliation.
PAM
Maybe
the whole building is clogged.
MICHAEL
(humiliated)
No .
. .
PHYLLIS
I’ll
go check.
Phyllis
goes out to check at Vance Refrigeration. Everyone is staring at Michael with
mixed faces, i.e. smiling, mad.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Am I
concerned about the plumbing? Not at all. Why should I be? I can hold it for
hours, maybe even days. I’m like a camel in the desert, baby.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Now
I’ve heard that marathon runners will actually just go in their pants while
they're running. When they’re running, they’re working. When I’m selling
paper, it feels like a marathon run. Long, physically grueling. Maybe I’ll do
what they do.
INT. MICHAEL’S
OFFICE-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Michael’s head is down on his
desk.
MICHAEL
Dwight!
Dwight comes running in.
DWIGHT
What’s
up?
MICHAEL
(talking through pain)
Call
maintenance, or plumbing . . . call the plumbers.
DWIGHT
Let
me see what I can do first.
MICHAEL
Dwight
. . . no!
Dwight runs out of the room
before Michael can finish.
INT.
OFFICE-ENTRANCE-CONTINUOUS-D1
Phyllis comes walking back in
with a smile on her face.
PHYLLIS
Good
news everyone. We have a bathroom!
Cheers go up.
PHYLLIS (CONT‘D)
Bob
said four at a time.
Meredith
grabs her purse, Pam grabs her purse, Kelly grabs her purse, Angela grabs her
purse. They all start going to the door. Michael starts to go.
PHYLLIS (CONT’D)
No,
Michael.
MICHAEL
(surprised)
What?
PHYLLIS
Bob
said he didn’t want you using his bathroom because of . . .
(She points toward his bottom)
MICHAEL
You
told him. Vance Refrigeration knows!
Michael walks back into his
office humiliated.
PHYLLIS
(Sheepishly)
Sorry.
INT. OFFICE-BACK OF
OFFICE-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Dwight
is coming from bathroom holding a plunger. His sleeves are wet. His pants are wet around the ankles. He looks
aggravated.
JIM
That
is a major health hazard. I’m calling the EPA.
DWIGHT
Shut
up, Jim.
JIM
Nope.
Here I go. I’m calling. (fake dialing)
INT. MICHAELS
OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
Michael is sitting at his
desk, taking more Maalox. Dwight comes in.
DWIGHT
Okay,
that didn’t work.
Michael looks up.
MICHAEL
Ughhhh!
Gross! Dwight, call the plumbers.
DWIGHT
Give
me one more chance. I have an idea.
Dwight
goes running out of the office. He leaves through the front entrance. Michael
groans.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(giddy)
Wow!
You will never believe it. The Vance Refrigeration bathroom has a refrigerator,
a mini fridge. Yea. And, it was stocked. I had a pop while I went. (thinking)
Oh my gosh! Do you think I should’ve left some money?
PHYLLIS
(stern and
serious)
Those
are not free. It’s an honor system.
INT. OFFICE-FRONT
ENTRANCE-RECEPTION AREA-LATER-D1
The
girls are coming back in, chattering and giggling. They all go their own way.
Toby comes walking forward, Kevin comes, Andy comes, and Stanley stands up
slowly. Andy, Kevin, and Toby go hurrying forward.
ANDY
( to Stanley)
You comin’ big guy. Dudes turn man. Let’s go.
Stanley
is taking his sweet time, crossword puzzle under his arm.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
(Smiling,
almost giddy)
This is
a holiday. Anything that gets me out of this office. Uh oh, I think my bladder is acting up.
INT. OFFICE-FRONT
ENTRANCE-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Dwight
comes in carrying a homemade toilet. It’s a five-gallon white bucket with a
piece of cardboard taped heavily with packaging tape as a backsplash. He walks
straight to the water cooler. Everyone is staring at him.
DWIGHT
All
right, everyone. Listen up.
Michael slowly makes his way
to his office doorway.
JIM
What
do you got there, Dwight? A toilet?
DWIGHT
Yes,
Jim, this will be our emergency toilet.
PAM
That’s
gross, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Tough
times, Pam. These are tough times.
MICHAEL
Dwight,
you can’t use that thing as our toilet. Pam, please call the plumbers.
PAM
I
already did.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
The
first time Dwight said he had an idea, I called the plumbers. Of course, it is
kind of nice having a legitimate excuse to leave the office.
INT. OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
DWIGHT
Here’s
how it works. You go in the bucket and . . .
Dwight rips the water jug
from the cooler. A fuss goes up.
DWIGHT (CONT‘D)
You
wash it down with the water.
More grumbling goes up from
everyone in the office. Creed has a happy smile on his face.
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
(smiling)
Finally,
something about this place that makes me feel comfortable.
INT. OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
ANGELA
That is
not acceptable, Dwight. And besides, we have a perfectly good bathroom to use
right across the hallway.
DWIGHT
This
will save on lost time going over there Angela.
JIM
Not
compared to the lost time due to the plague we’ll all get.
MICHAEL
(watching in disgust)
This is
just awful, Dwight. Things are gross enough already without you grossin’ it up
even more.
Dwight looks at Michael with
a let-down look. He was really trying to help.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I don’t
see what the big deal is. Out on the farm we didn’t have indoor plumbing till
the mid 90’s. Even before that, I used a bucket until my sixteenth birthday.
INT. OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
Everyone goes back to what
they were doing. Michael walks back toward his desk.
MICHAEL
Dwight.
Dwight comes carrying the
bucket.
DWIGHT
(discouraged)
What?
MICHAEL
(in a low voice)
Just
leave the bucket in here.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
AREA-MIDDAY
Pam is busy at her desk.
Stanley and Andy are walking in, Meredith and Phyllis are walking out. Michael
comes to his door.
MICHAEL
Any
word on those plumbers yet, Pam?
Pam shakes her head “no” with
a sorry look. Michael drops his head, turns, and slowly walks back into his
office. He sticks his head out again.
MICHAEL (CONT‘D)
Pam,
will you please run to my condo, get me a new pair of underwear?
PAM
No,
Michael.
He closes the door.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Today
is just awful. Having someone accuse you of sexual harassment, or finding out
you were adopted doesn’t even compare to this. I have been humiliated. Do you
realize how long it takes to earn respect and gain a place of authority? And
how fast (he pauses and takes two Maalox) (Chewing) that comes crashing down.
INT. OFFICE-SALES
DESK-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Michael comes walking out. He
has a sick look on his face.
MICHAEL
(trying to gain
sympathy)
Ughhhh!
I feel like I’m dying.
PAM
I
don’t think you’re dying, Michael.
MICHAEL
Oh
yea? How would you know, Pam? Have you ever died before?
Jim and Pam exchange looks.
Michael walks on slowly to Jim’s desk.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Jimbo. Jimbo Jones. (Michael
looks at camera) Simpsons. Love that
show. Jim is kind of the office bully.
JIM
No,
not really, Michael. So, how’s it goin’?
Jim scoots his chair back and
holds a piece of paper up over his mouth.
MICHAEL
Seriously,
come on, Jim. It’s just diarrhea.
Michael sits down on the edge
of Jim’s desk. Jim looks down at where he’s sitting with a disgusted, blank
look.
JIM
How
ya feelin’?
MICHAEL
(softly)
Have
you ever had burning down there?
JIM
(shocked by the question)
Uhh
. . . No . . . I . . .
MICHAEL
Have
you ever had to pass gas and then it was more? What about itching? Man it
really itches.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
I don’t
know what’s exactly wrong with Michael, but I suspect foul play or a prank.
Michael has a lot of enemies, and his friends aren’t much better.
Memory scene of Packard
leaving Michael a surprise.
INT.OFFICE-JIMS
DESK-CONTINUOUS-D1
Michael proceeds to itch
himself with Jim’s desk. Jim looks back into Michael’s office. There in the back corner is the bucket.
JIM
You
haven’t been using that thing, have you?
MICHAEL
Not
yet. But emergencies maybe.
JIM
So .
. . where’ve you been going?
MICHAEL
Haven’t.
I think the Maalox is working.
Meredith and Phyllis come
walking in.
MICHAEL
So
how is it over there?
PHYLLIS
It’s
fine, Michael.
MEREDITH
That
bathroom is frickin’ sweet. It has a mini-fridge.
Michael looks pissed. Kevin
and Stanley walk by to go out. Just then Toby comes walking in. He has his take
out lunch in a white plastic bag. The smell fills the area.
TOBY
Hi,
Pam.
PAM
Hey,
Toby.
MICHAEL
(to Toby)
What
is that?
TOBY
It’s
my lunch.
MICHAEL
Your
lunch?
Michael looks down at the
bag. The camera zooms in. It says “South Of The Border” on the bag. Toby shrugs
his shoulders.
MICHAEL (CONT‘D)
I hope
you choke. (Shouting) Does anybody know the Heimrich maneuver?
DWIGHT
It’s
the Heimlich maneuver, and yes, I do.
We learned it in . . .
MICHAEL
Shut
up, Dwight.
TOBY TALKING HEAD
TOBY
(sinister
smile)
It’s a
complete coincidence that this is the same place Michael went last night. I
didn’t even know. I had my friend who works there make me up some tacos and
rice.
Toby reaches down and brings
up a taco. He smiles. He takes a big bite. The camera pulls back. Michael is
outside staring at him through the window with a hateful face.
MICHAEL
(muted voice through window)
You
suck.
Michael grabs his stomach.
INT. OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
Michael is walking through
office, legs are clinched. He heads straight to back door.
MICHAEL
Oh
man!
Michael rushes down
the stairwell, breathing very heavy. He’s going as fast as he can now. He comes out into the front entrance. He
goes straight for the bathroom. He opens the door. The security guard is
staring at him. The security guard stands up.
SECURITY GUARD
You
can’t use that.
MICHAEL
What?
You know too?!
Michael goes in anyway. He
groans.
SECURITY GUARD
(shouting,
trying to stop Michael)
No!
I mean it’s broken.
It’s too late. Sounds of
groaning, relief can be heard from behind door. The security guard is shaking
his head.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
(sheepish
smile)
Well,
apparently that toilet is out of service. Has been for a couple days. It’s a
good thing the plumbers are coming. Man, you want talk about world’s dirtiest
jobs.
He takes two Maalox.
INT. OFFICE-JIM’S
DESK-LATER-D1
Jim is typing at computer. He
turns around and heads for Pam’s desk. Stanley and Toby are coming back from
bathroom. Angela is going out. Pam greets Jim with a smile.
PAM
Hey
you. What’s up?
JIM
Oh,
not much. I was just thinking.
PAM
About
going to the bathroom? I haven’t seen you go all day.
JIM
Oh,
I’ve been going in my pants.
They both smile.
JIM (CONT’D)
But no,
I was thinking about getting a little bet going with you.
PAM
(with smile)
Really?
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(big smile)
The last time Jim bet me, he ended up having to cook me
dinner every night for a week. After the first night, I made
him take me out the rest of the week.
JIM (smiling)
My
cooking is great.
Camera pulls back to show Jim
is in there also.
PAM
(whispering to
camera, shaking her head)
No
it’s not.
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-CONTINUOUS-D1
Jim is standing over Pam’s
desk. Smiles on both faces.
PAM (CONT‘D)
Well,
what’s the bet?
JIM
I bet,
that by the day’s end, we will see the plumber’s butt crack.
PAM
Wow,
you’re just jumping right into that stereotype aren’t ya?
JIM
So,
do we have a bet?
PAM
I’m
kind of insulted. You can’t generalize people like that. What else are ya thinking, Jim? That they’ll
be dirty and rough too?
JIM
Did
you just stereotype a plumber? Well?
PAM
Alright.
What’s the wager?
JIM
If I
win, which I will, you have to wear your hair in pig tales for a whole week.
PAM
And
if I win, you have to wear a faux hawk all week.
JIM
Oh, it’s . . .
They’re interrupted by a
shout from Michael’s office.
MICHAEL
Finally!
INT. MICHAEL’S
OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
Camera rushes into Michael’s
office. Michael is standing at window. Camera shoots through window down into
parking lot. The plumbing van is pulling into parking lot, into parking spot.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Oh,
thank God.
TALKING HEAD MICHAEL
He looks down at his watch.
MICHAEL
(very
discouraged)
Well
it’s been ten minutes and they’re still just sitting there.
He looks out the window.
MICHAEL (CONT‘D)
They’re
getting out. Now they’re smoking a cigarette. Come on!
Camera looks down on parking
lot. Michael is banging and screaming loud enough that they hear him. They look
up. They’re speechless.
EXT. BUILDING-PARKING
LOT-CONTINUOUS-D1
Camera is looking up to
window. Michael is banging and shouting.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT.OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-FRONT DOOR-LATE AFTERNOON-D1
Pam is working at desk. Loud
talking can be heard coming toward the front door, laughing and carrying on.
The door opens, two plumbers come walking in. They’re both wearing uniforms,
dirty and disheveled. They have tools, equipment. Pam shoots a look at Jim,
shaking her head.
JIM
(smiling)
What?
PLUMBER 1
(obnoxious)
What
an idiot! I mean, seriously?
PLUMBER 2
Yea,
there was an out of service sign right there on the toilet.
P1
I ain’t
ever seen so much $#@* splattered up on the walls before.
The plumbers come to the
reception desk. Meredith comes up to the desk to drop off some papers.
P1 (CONT’D)
Hey
. . . Meredith?
MEREDITH
Hi.
P1
You
remember me?
MEREDITH
Uh?
P1
Poor
Richards? Remember last Friday night?
MEREDITH
(as she’s
walking away)
Oh,
yea. Hey. How ya doin?
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH
I don’t
have a clue. (Thinking) Man, I have some serious issues.
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-CONTINUOUS-D1
Michael comes out to meet the
plumbers. Dwight comes up also.
P2
(to Pam)
Hey,
cutie.
PAM
(shocked)
Excuse
me?
MICHAEL
Gentlemen.
No, that awful smell is not our receptionist.
Kidding.
PAM
(to Michael)
I
know you’re kidding, because I’m not the one with diarrhea.
MICHAEL
Wow,
feisty.
P1
(mocking smile) (to Michael)
We seen
ya bangin’ on the window, partner. You doin’ okay?
P2
As
soon as I seen you, I knew exactly who you were.
MICHAEL
Well,
I am sort of well known around town.
P2
No, I
mean I remember you from that plumbing job we did at your condo. Man I never
seen so much hair in a drain before.
MICHAEL TALKIND HEAD
MICHAEL
(pissed)
So sue
me, okay. I can’t help that my back hair grows as fast as it falls out. (smiling)
Jan use to love it. She would run her fingers through it.
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-CONTINUOUS-D1
P2 (CONT‘D)
(to Michael)
So
where to, boss?
DWIGHT
This
way guys.
The plumbers pick up their
equipment to follow Dwight. Michael goes back to his office.
DWIGHT (CONT’D)
(while walking)
I
trust you both have proof of license and insurance.
P1
(sarcastic,
grabbing his crotch)
Yea.
I got your proof right here.
DWIGHT
Good,
I’m glad you came prepared.
The plumbers hit each other
with a chuckle. P1 waves at Meredith. They walk on. Meredith checks her hair and teeth in a
mirror.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(troubled look)
This is
not looking good for me. Of all the plumbers in the world, we get these two. I
hate pig tales.
INT. OFFICE-JIM’S
DESK-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Jim gets up to go and talk to
Pam. He stops at her desk. They’re both
looking at each other, but not talking. He takes a little candy.
JIM
How’s
it goin’ Beasley?
PAM
Don’t!
JIM
(smiling)
What?
PAM
You knew, didn’t you?
JIM
I’ll
admit, I did make a shallow assumption. But, it’s paying off so far. Besides,
we haven’t seen it yet.
PAM
(irritated)
You
got any other stereotypes? Maybe me - the artist?
JIM
Nah.
PAM
No.
Now come on.
JIM
Alright,
I’ll give you one. Kevin. The overweight stereotype. Overeater, slob.
PAM
(sympathetic)
It
could be a lot of different conditions.
JIM
(thinking)
Well,
maybe.
THREE SHORT VIDEO CLIPS
#1 Kevin stuffing a donut in his mouth in break
room.
#2 Kevin eating two slices of pizza at once,
folded over.
#3 Kevin eating M&M’s out of his jar.
INT. OFFICE-STANLEY’S
DESK-LATER-D1
Stanley is quietly working.
Suddenly he is bothered by a strange smell. Dwight comes bursting out of the
bathroom.
DWIGHT
(gagging)
They
took the toilet apart. They pulled it off the floor.
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
(holding shirt
over nose)
This
totally sucks. I had a huge piece of chocolate cake in the refrigerator. I was
saving it for my afternoon snack.
INT. OFFICE-ACCOUNTING
DESK-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Kevin is eating his piece of
chocolate cake.
OSCAR
This
day is a total wash.
KEVIN
The
smell back by the refrigerator is awful.
ANGELA
You
should be used to that smell, Kevin.
OSCAR
I need
Michael’s authorization on these forms, and he’s been in his office all day.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
I know
it seems like this is always happening, us not getting Michael’s cooperation.
But it is always happening. It’s a
never ending cycle and I’m trapped.
INT. OFFICE-ACCOUNTING
DESK-CONTINUOUS-D1
OSCAR (CONT‘D)
This
is ridiculous. I’m going in.
Oscar gets up to go Michael’s
office.
DWIGHT
Uh,
where do ya think you’re going?
OSCAR
(frustrated)
I
need Michael’s authorization on these forms.
DWIGHT
Well, sorry,
Oscar. Michael is not to be disturbed, and besides, he’s super busy being our
boss.
INT. MICHAEL’S
OFFICE-SPYSHOT
The camera catches Michael in
his t-shirt, head down on his desk sleeping. The bottle of Maalox is knocked
over beside him empty.
INT. OFFICE-CONTINUOUS
JIM
I
can sign those for you, Oscar.
OSCAR
Thank
you.
The phone rings in the
background.
PAM
Dunder
Mifflin, this is Pam. Hello, Mr. Wallace. Yea, hold on one sec. I’ll get him
for you.
Pam transfers the call to
Michael’s office.
PAM (CONT‘D)
Michael,
David Wallace is on the line for you.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
(on speaker phone)
Tell
him I went home.
PAM
I
already told him I was getting you.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
(aggravated)
You
should’ve told him you were the worst receptionist ever. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean that.
PAM
That’s
okay, Michael. I’m sure you would be apologetic to everyone else here, too.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
What?
No. Everyone else here sucks, Pam.
Everyone turns in disbelief.
PAM
I’ve
got you on speaker, Michael.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Son
of a . . .
The phone hangs up.
INT. MICHAEL’S
OFFICE-CONTINUOUS-D1
MICHAEL
(deep breath, fake happy)
Hello,
David.
DAVID (V.O.) (on speaker phone)
Hello,
Michael. How are you feeling?
MICHAEL
Oh,
I’m feeling super.
DAVID
That’s
good to hear. I heard you got bad food poisoning.
MICHAEL
Uh,
yea. Yea, that’s great that you care. Thank you for your concern.
DAVID
Well,
everyone here in New York is hoping for a quick recovery.
MICHAEL
Everyone?
DAVID
So
you have everything under control with the plumbing?
MICHAEL
Oh yea.
Come on, I’m superman, man of steel, the dark knight. Everything is under
control. A little rancid beef’s not gonna stop me.
(Continuous) The camera pans around office. No one is
working. Everyone is on the far side of the office. Stanley and Kevin are
coming back from the bathroom. Dwight has a scarf tied around his face trying
to manage the plumbers.
DAVID
Alright,
Michael. Keep up the good work.
MICHAEL
Alright.
INT. OFFICE-JIM’S
DESK-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Jim is sitting at his desk
talking to Pam.
PAM
Just
one more hour, Jim.
JIM
Yea, I
don’t get it. I thought for sure we would’ve seen it by now.
PAM
I
have some mousse you can borrow.
Michael comes out of his
office. He’s put back together.
MICHAEL
(mad,
determined)
Can
I have everyone’s attention please.
Everyone stops socializing to
listen.
MICHAEL (CONT‘D)
Apparently
no one in this office cares about me.
PAM
That’s
not true, Michael. We tried to come in and see if you were okay a few times.
But you wouldn’t . . .
MICHAEL
(interrupting)
That’s
not the point, Pam. The point is, if Kevin, or Phyllis came in with nasty
diarrhea, and clogged the toilet, you would all be sympathetic to them. We’re
supposed to be a family, and right now I feel like the red-headed stepchild.
P2
Excuse
me.
MICHAEL
What!?
P2
Whoa.
Easy there Sasquatch.
Phyllis snickers.
P2 (CONT‘D)
I
just wanted to let you all know we got the clog.
Everyone groans. Gross!
P2 (CONT‘D)
And, a
little word of advice. I can’t stress this enough, because it will clog the
plumbing. Ladies, don’t flush your feminine hygiene products. Okay? Thank you.
We’re gonna get her wrapped up now.
Everyone looks around at each
other. The women are looking at each other suspiciously.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Figures.
I’ve been telling the women of this office that since my first day here.
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-MOMENTS LATER-D1
Jim and Pam are talking. The
camera comes up to get their attention.
JIM
It
was you.
PAM
No.
The camera is trying to get
their attention.
JIM
What?
The camera motions toward
the bathroom. They both get excited and rush to the bathroom.
P1
(to Jim and Pam)
Take
it easy, were almost done.
JIM
Oh
thank goodness.
P1
Let’s
go, Ricky.
P2
I’m
comin’.
Jim and Pam sneak a peek into
the bathroom. There it is in its full glory. P2 is bent over on the
floor, pants pulled down a little, his butt crack exposed.
JIM
Alright
guys, thanks.
P1
Yep.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Today
was a great day.
(V.O.) The office staff are
leaving for the day. Michael is standing outside his office. Everyone is kind of saying sorry or patting
him on the back.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
In losing respect, I actually gained more respect. Now I have
guilt to hold over their heads. And you can never have too
much respect as a boss. In the months to come, when
accounting is going through our numbers and they come to
today, and they see the worst sales figures of the year, they
won't be discouraged. Corporate won't think, man that
Scranton branch is the worst. So what if we were sixty percent
below our goal. No. Everyone will remember that today was the
day we faced adversity and overcame. And in doing so, we
all became a closer knit family. And that is worth far more
than the money generated by sales.
END OF ACT THREE
TAG #1
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-EVENING-D1
Kevin is walking out. The
office looks empty. It’s quiet.
SPY SHOT: The camera catches
Creed sitting at his desk. He looks around to see if everyone is gone. He gets
up and walks straight to Michael’s office. He grabs the bucket and leaves.
TAG #2
INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION
DESK-MORNING
Pam is sitting at her desk
with pig tales. Kevin walks in and snickers.
PAM
Shut
up, Kevin.
Michael walks in.
MICHAEL
(excited)
Oh
yea, that is hot. Nice work, Pam.
Pam glances at Jim. Jim is
beaming.
END OF SHOW
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